Pink Cereal

So last night, or I should say this morning, Griffin woke up at 3:30AM and wanted to come sleep with me in my bed which I always welcome because at this point it is the only time he actually stays still long enough for me to cuddle with him. Anyway, last night I brought him to my bed and he requested Pink Cereal. He calls the Frosted Mini Wheats with strawberry flavoring "Pink Cereal" because it’s pink! Anyway, we had run out of the Pink Cereal and I thought once I told him that he would be fine and go back to sleep. I was so groggy I could barely keep my eyes open anyway so I wasn’t looking forward to having to make him cereal and staying up while he ate it. Nope, he then insisted on having "Mommy Cereal". "Mommy Cereal" is the new Grape Nuts Trail Mix Crunch that on most days I eat for breakfast and Dinner. I know, I’m a bad example of a balanced diet but hey, I’m lazy! At least he eats real meals so I’m half way there! At any rate, I got up and made him the cereal realizing he wasn’t going to forget about being hungry and go back to bed and he ate it and we went back to bed. I couldn’t sleep again till around 4:30 unfortunately!

My point in writing about Pink Cereal and Mommy Cereal is not only because I think it is adorable that he has those cute names for the cereal because to me yes, it is brilliant and adorable that he names things, but as I tried to go back to sleep after he ate his Mommy Cereal, I realized that this was really the most amazing love I have ever felt for someone. The reason I say that is because if anyone else in the world had ever made me get up out of a deep sleep at 3:30 in the morning (yes, even you Pirkle) to fix them cereal I would tell them to take a flying leap off of a steep cliff (unless they were on their death bed of course)! And even then I wouldn’t be happy about having to feed whoever cereal at that hour. But, with Griffin I sat there and gave him cereal and we talked about Mac, his truck from the movie Cars that he had chosen to sleep with that night, and pretended to feed Lightning McQueen some of Mommy’s Cereal, because of course if Griffin was hungry so was Lightning right. Even though I was dead tired I was so happy at that moment to be feeding him cereal and interacting with him and was able to endure the pain of being awake and active at that hour. And as I drifted back to sleep closer to 5am I realized that this was real true love that I could never feel for anything or anyone besides my child!

My New Dad

So I had lunch with my awesome friend Tim today and he again gave me some insight into life. He always makes these profound points that maybe I could have seen on my own but he has a way of putting them in front of me so I can see what I need to see! Anyway, I was telling him about going to my Dad's funeral in the beginning of February and how I finally decided to forgive my Dad for never being around and for being awful to me when he was around. I forgave him and realized that he was human and it is unhealthy for me to keep anger and resentment inside so I let it go and had a great experience in California doing that. I realized that I forgave him and was able to actually feel love for him as a human being. I realize that he is now peacful and not angry anymore and with that peach that he has found, maybe he can now give me what I always longed for as a little girl: a daddy to hold me and protect me and tell me everything was going to be ok when things were scary or not good.

With that, I also believe that people who die come back and talk to you in subtle ways like through dreams or leaving signs and stuff. My grandfather has come to me in dreams before and my grandmother has actually seen him in her room at night before. With that belief I was hopeful that my Dad would come back and talk to me in some way. So a few weeks ago I had a dream that he wrote me a note that said "it's ok, I am here and everything is going to be ok". I truly believe that is him talking to me. And now, for the first time in my entire life, I can actually say "I have a Dad". I have never been able to say that and Tim helped me to realize that he can be a Dad to me now more than he ever was able to before. My Dad had so many issues and so much anger that he was incapable of loving me or anyone else for that matter. He obviously did not love himself and was a very conflicted person. Now, he has passed away, his anger is gone and he has peace...now, he can be the father that I never had, he can come to me when I'm down and tell me it will be ok, and maybe he can give me fatherly advice...

It sounds strange because alot of people know what that is like, but I don't. I'm lucky that I had my mom because she was great but there was always a hole. Now it is filled with the hope that he has found peace and the hope that he can now be the father that I never had and maybe the grandfather that Griffin will long for one day...